


Free

by sharedwithyou



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Humor, Angstangstangst, F/M, Heavy Angst, Lavellan/Solas Angst (Dragon Age), Post-Dragon Age: Inquisition - Trespasser DLC, Reader-Insert, Trespasser Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-16
Updated: 2020-12-16
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:13:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28102224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sharedwithyou/pseuds/sharedwithyou
Summary: WARNING: INQUISITION/TRESSPASSER SPOILERS.Mildly inspired by Free- Haley ReinhartThe Wolf watches lovely from a distance in her dreams. Then everything changes.
Relationships: Cullen Rutherford/Reader, Fen'Harel | Solas/Reader, Solas (Dragon Age)/Reader
Comments: 8
Kudos: 11





	Free

**Author's Note:**

  * For [OriginalPomegranate](https://archiveofourown.org/users/OriginalPomegranate/gifts).



> WARNING: INQUISITION/TRESSPASSER SPOILERS CLICK AWAY IMMEDIATELY IF YOU DONT WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS
> 
> Also, warning: very angsty and sad.
> 
> Solas broke my freakin heart and he needs to pay.
> 
> Dedicated to the one who inspired me to play Dragon Age, a true angst connoisseur, my good friend Wolfie
> 
> If you’d like to be destroyed keep reading.
> 
> Xoxo Bucky

Eighteen. Eighteen cups of tea today. It’s a new record, and your hands are so shaky you barely get the last sip before the cup clatters onto the table.

“I think we need to have a talk about your caffeine addiction.”

Cullen smiles at you, but you can see the worry behind it.

“I think we need to have a talk about you throwing around the word addiction.” You counter, putting your hands behind your back. He notices, of course.

“Considering where we are, I’d say I know exactly what I’m talking about.” He pulls your arms to the front and clasps his around them.

“You’ve been here one week and we’re almost out of tea leaves. That’s a month’s supply. For all of us. Dozens of fully grown men.”

You scowl at him and try to tug away again. He holds on firmly. “If I knew you were so stingy I wouldn’t have bothered to visit.”

“After all your flirty little letters?”

“Maybe I’m just a tease.”

You lock eyes with him and you feel the electricity crackle between you.

He looks away first, dropping his hands. “I am glad you came to see me, anyway.”

“I just wanted to see the fabled Templar Sanctuary for myself.” You pick up the cup to take to the kitchen.

“I think you could use a little peace yourself.” He looks at you, and the concern in his eyes sends tingles through you.

“No rest for the wicked.” You say with a grin and he grins right back at you.

“If you’re staying up late to sneak into my room and put worms in my pillow again we’re going to have a problem.”

“For the last time, that was Sera not me!” He looks at you doubtfully so you barrel on ahead. “If I’m sneaking into your room late at night it’s going to be for a very different reason.”

He turns red as a tomato and coughs. “Oh, uh, I’ll have one of the servants take care of that.” He grabs the cup from you and hurries away, ostensibly to flag down a maid.

You heave a sigh and walk off to the sparring grounds. Time to see how well you can wield a sword with eighteen cups of tea in you.

“He ran? Again?”

You nod dejectedly, forgetting as usual that Dorian couldn’t see you. The talking crystal made it seem like he was right there with you. You could use one of his consolation pats right about now. “Maybe there’s something to be said about playing hard to get.”

“Ugh. Playing is for boys. Men like confidence.”

“Yes you would know.” You tease, and enjoy his raucous cackle. It wasn’t the same not being able to see his mustache twitch madly. But it was better than nothing. So much better.

And nothing seems to be all you’ve been getting lately.

“I’m used to being the pursuer. But what if he’s not shy? If he’s just too nice to say expressly he’s not interested?”

“Is that a rhetorical question?” Dorian asks sassily.

“I mean I’m probably the only woman in the history of time who rode three days on a druffalo to see their man.”

“For Andraste’s sake, a druffalo?!”

“The first day it was to stay low-profile. After that, it was to win a bet. So now I’m bow-legged, and Varric owes me a sequel of Swords and Shields.”

“Bow-legged already? Isn’t that supposed to happen after you seduce the Commander?” You can hear the glib smirk in his voice.

“Ex-Commander.” You choose not to comment on the rest of that question.

“Well I’m off to another glamorous party. Assuming I don’t get poisoned tonight, we can talk tomorrow.”

“Take care. And try not to get too drunk.”

“No promises!”

It’s 5 AM and the caffeine is finally starting to wear off. You look over the letters you’ve written and sigh. Barely legible, all of them, thanks to your shaky hands.

Might as well head into town to buy some tea leaves, lest Cullen make another comment. You check the mirror to make sure there are no ink stains on your face from rubbing your eyes with quill in hand. The dark circles are there, but acceptable.

The rest of your appearance? Meh. Not like being all gussied up has worked on Cullen. You grab your bag and head out.

“Have you been up all night?!”

Figures you’d run into him right when you slipped on some loose hay. You dust yourself off and nod at him.

“(Y/n), this is really not healthy.”

“I’m fine.” You respond evenly, determined not to let the lack of sleep make you irritable.

He walks up to you and puts his hands on your shoulders. You feel the tingles all over again. “Is it nightmares?”

Close enough. “How’d you know?”

“One of the maids heard you scream in the middle of the night the day before last. And the day before that.”

“It could’ve been an assassin.”

“Both times she went in, you were fast asleep again.”

You sigh. It was a common act these days it seems. “Give that woman a raise.”

“Duly noted.” You wait for him to take his hands off, but he doesn’t. “I know about nightmares, (y/n). It’s common in our line of work.”

“Saving the world?” You quip, but he stays serious.

“If there’s anything I can do to help, please let me know.”

You sigh again. “Well, not sleeping helps. Beyond that…”

He looks at his feet for a moment. When he speaks, his voice is soft and hesitant. “Would it be easier if… I kept you company?”

“Why Mr. Rutherford, are you propositioning me?” You just can’t help this mouth of yours. Humor must be your coping mechanism. Either that or it’s a self destructive tendency. You joke so he’ll find you charming, then you joke to scare him off.

He sputters for a bit, and it’s so familiar to you. You’ve always loved teasing him, making him feel uncomfortable, putting him on edge. He looks so damn cute with his pink ears.

He clears his throat. “That’s not a no, (y/n).”

It’s your turn to blush. He pulls you into his arms, and you let yourself fall into him.

Before he has a chance to let go, you’re fast asleep.

Salty. You lick your lips and taste the breeze. You can’t remember the last time you’ve been on a beach that wasn’t swarming with demons or Venatori. Instead of crunching the sand under your boots in a purposeful march, you can take them off and feel the sand between your toes.

You sigh, happily this time. The realization of this, makes your heart feel lighter. You wonder if it’s Cullen’s arms around you that make you feel this way. At peace.

“He runs a sanctuary. It’s no surprise you feel at peace.”

You jump to your feet, feeling the sand burn against your heels at the sudden exertion. Almost as if by chain reaction, you’re burning from the inside. Almost.

“You son of a bitch!” You reach for your daggers, but they’re not there. Of course not, how would you bring them into the fade?

“Vhenan.”

The flame coursing through your veins spikes at the word.

“Don’t call me that!” You look around for a stick, a rock, something anything you can use to strike at him.

“I’m sorry.” He looks at you in sorrow, fading away slowly.

With a scream, you rush at him, in your rage still steeling yourself for a tumble through nothing.

The air is knocked out of you as your chest collides into him.

You careen towards the ground, but a pair of strong arms catches you.

You could blame the lack of air or the force of impact, but you both know that’s not why you’re limp in his arms.

You stare into his mesmerizing eyes, and all the anguish and betrayal melts away.

He gazes at you, and you can see it, the way you never have with Cullen.

“I love you too, Solas.”

He sighs and it tickles your face. “I should not have come.”

Seeing him again, touching him again, was a hypnosis stronger than you could believe.

But his words break the spell.

“Why did you?! All this time you’ve stayed away, just out of reach, and now all of a sudden you’re here?!”

He sets you down and backs away. “I wanted to see you.”

“You have,” you spit at him spitefully. “A lone wolf watching from afar. Don’t think I didn’t know it was you.”

“Of course you did.” He looks at you earnestly. “I never wanted to hide from you.”

You clench your fists so tight the nails break your skin. “But no matter what I could never close the distance.”

“It’s better for both of us-“

“Then why are you here?!” You bark at him furiously.

“It doesn’t matter.” He turns and vanishes.

You tilt your head back and scream at the top of your lungs.

“(Y/n)!”

You open your eyes with a start. “What happened?!”

“You fell asleep. Standing up.” Your anger ebbs at his half amused half worried face. “I carried you back to your room. I was going to let you rest but you screamed, so I woke you up.” He brushes your hair off your face. “Should I have let you sleep? I’m not sure if it’s best to let the nightmares take its course.”

“I thought you were the expert,” you tease, the humor coming to you easily.

“Well I- it’s harder when it’s you.”

“Ooh, really?” You wiggle your eyebrows.

“I hate to see you hurting.”

You bite your lip and look around the room instead of at his face.

“I guess my brilliant idea of keeping you company was a no-go.”

You take a deep breath inwardly. “Maybe you can’t make them go away. But being here when I wake up...help.”

“Really?” The relief on his face makes the pit of your stomach warm.

“Also, maybe we should try a different form of company.”

He gapes at you with an open mouth.

“Kidding!”

He continues looking at you slack-jawed, so you push his chin upwards to close his mouth for him.

“I-I don’t think I’m ready for that.” He finally manages to stutter.

“Aww that’s too bad.” Jokes aside, you were a bit disappointed. He was good looking and in such great shape and you were in need of some Tender Loving Care.

“But I think we can start with this.”

He leans in and you can’t wait to feel that stubble against your skin.

A large rap on the door rudely interrupts you. “Sir? There are a few new Templars here. One of them seems in pretty bad shape. I thought you should know in case...well…”

“I’ll be right there.” He’s a Commander through and through. Still, he lingers by you for a bit as you wave him away.

“To be continued, Cullen. When I can have your full attention.”

“Full and utmost,” he responds with a grin.

As you fall asleep, you tell yourself that being well rested will help you enjoy it even more.

Reeds bend and shift as you walk through them, following the river as lazily as it flows. You can feel the scratching of the fibers against your ankles, but it’s not rough enough to bother you. You look at the rocks, jagged edges smoothed over time by the gentle but determined constancy of water.

“Var lath vir suledin.”

You could make a bitter comment about how he’s visited you twice in one day after running away for years, but you don’t. There’s no sand burning your feet, might as well quell the fire in your heart. Even if he’s using your own words against you.

“Does the river remind you of my love, Dread Wolf?”

You see his pain in the creases of his forehead, the hard set of his jaw. “No more than everything else.”

“Harsh, but fair.” You make no move towards him.

“What I mean is, I see it everywhere. It’s always on my mind. Always hurting.”

You look away, your hands making fists without your consent.

“If my love is so painful, maybe you should let it go.”

The words come without your permission as well.

They shock you more than they do him. “You may do so, if it will help.

But I cannot.”

The tears prick your eyes, shimmering like the ripples of the river. “Can’t or won’t?”

You see it in his eyes, the ones that glitter and turn men to stone. “Had I the inclination, I would still be unable.”

You’ve always wanted him to know how it feels to be left behind, but you’d never been able to leave him. You’d always run towards the wolf in your dreams.

Somehow seeing him in all his regal godhood, inches away, you finally muster the strength. Maybe because this is exactly how he looked when he’d dashed your heart to pieces. Sparkling eyes, pelt over shoulder, face full of regret.

This time it’s your turn to walk away.

Two steps in he runs up and grabs you from behind. You tell your shoulders to shake him off, you command your feet to keep going. But no matter what, your body will not listen.

He inhales deeply, pressing his nose in the crook of your neck. “I missed your smell.”

Your arms hang uselessly at your side. It’s all you can do to hold back your words. One slips out. “And?”

“And the feel of your skin.” He nuzzles your ear gently and you give an involuntary shudder.

“And?”

“And the way you taste.” He spins you around and kisses you, and it’s like a slow poison, the desire seeping into you inch by inch, cell by cell.

“Tell me why you’re here. Now, after so long.” You manage to pull away and speak, haltingly.

He looks down at your feet, caked with mud from the riverbank. “I needed to see you.”

“Bullshit.” You manage to find some anger to save yourself. “You see me all the time.”

“Up close.”

“I’m sure you can zoom in just fine with those magic eyes.”

You see his resolve visibly harden, but his hands are still on your waist. “This was a mistake.”

“Go off, then.” You push him away and point into the distance.

He sighs and it sounds so heavy, so tired. He’s always looked young, but you’re starting to see the signs of age. Were they always there and you were just too starry eyed to see it?

Or was his mission making him haggard?

“I owe you the truth, Vhenan.”

“You owe me a lot more than that.”

“This, at least, I can give you.”

You narrow your eyes, but you want to know.

“I couldn’t let him have you first.”

You let out a bitter laugh. “Is that up to you, now? Are you going to take that away from me too? Take my trust, take my love, take the damned veil away, and now this?”

He looks at you in horror. “Of course not! How could you think that of me?!”

You laugh again, though it’s more of a snarl. “I wouldn’t have thought you capable of destroying the world, but here you are.”

“I’m repairing the world I broke.” He looks away. “But I would not ask you to understand. If our roles were reversed I wouldn’t understand either.”

“So are you going to fuck me or not?”

His head jolts up as he stares at you in shock.

“That’s why you’re here right?”

He shakes his head adamantly. “I came to tell you.  
I wish it were me. He doesn’t know how lucky he is.  
I wanted you to know, how much I’ve wanted you, how much I still do.  
And I wanted you to feel my lips against yours one last time before the memory was erased by his.”

He looks at you sadly once more, before disappearing.

“SOLAS!”

You’ve shouted your lungs out over and over again, always intelligible wails and sobs, never a word. This is the first time you’ve screamed his name.

Maybe that’s why, for the first time, he comes back to you.

“My heart?”

“I hate you!” You spring towards him and ball up his collar in your fists, and yank it so hard the leather is probably ruined. “You and your high-handed goodbye! Your glorious goddamn martyrdom, your beautifully selfless letting go! My love is no river, because there’s no changing you, no matter how many times I try to wash over you! Because you’re already clean, aren’t you? I’m the filthy one, the selfish one, the unfaithful one!”

He stays perfectly still and silent as you let go of his collar to hit him in the chest. “But you know what?! Your love is a hurricane, changing the very foundation, leaving only devastation!”

He says nothing as you cry ugly tears, he doesn’t move as you beat at him with shaky hands.

Until your fists uncurl and your voice gives out and you can only croak out the words. “I hate you, Solas.”

“Ar lath ma,” he whispers back as he puts his hands on either side of your face and presses his forehead against yours.

You sag forward, and he envelopes you into him, wiping the tears away and kissing you softly.

You sigh and it’s everything, disappointment and relief, cruelty and kindness, fury and happiness, instant and eternal.

“That night when you offered to take off my Vallaslin...we could have. I mentioned it. Why didn’t you?”

“The same reason I won’t now.” He settles you into the grass gently and gets up.

You’re not letting him off this easy. You growl and yank on his hands hard enough to pull him back down. You climb onto him and rip at his armor. “Do what you came here to do, Fen’Harel.”

“No.” He disappears from beneath you, but reappears at your side instead of going.

“Will you leave me wanting, then?”

You see the conflict make its way across his face. “It would be unkind. To both of us.”

But you love the struggle in his eyes, watching his resolve crumble one bit at a time. It’s so close to satisfying. But it’s not enough.

“Take me, like the wolf you are.”

“Don’t test me on this, Vhenan.” His voice is low and husky, but he’s holding himself back as hard as he can.

“Fuck me, Solas.”

With a howl, he leaps onto you and tears at your clothes, biting your shoulder.

You’ve timed it well, because as he’s shedding his armor in a pile beside you, you wake up.

“The way you were snoring I thought you’d be asleep for a week.”

“How long has it been?”

“Only a few hours.” He points at a cup on the nightstand. “It’s no longer warm, but you’re probably parched.”

He’s right. You gulp it down. “Tea? You trying to get me energetic for something?”

He turns a delicious shade of red. “You- but- I thought you liked tea!”

You chuckle and shake your head. “You fluster too easily, my dear Commander.”

He turns, probably to hide his embarrassment, but you’re tired of waiting. Waiting for Solas to change his mind, waiting for Cullen to make a move, your patience should have died with the Inquisition but you’ve eked on slowly and you’ve had enough.

“If you don’t want me, just say no.”

He looks back at you and you can tell he wants to find exactly the right words. You’re done talking, though.

You stand up and drag him to the bed, pulling off his coat. He doesn’t stop you, but he doesn’t help you either. “(Y/n), I thought we were going to-“

“Just say no.”

He’s at a loss for words and you don’t care. You take off his chest plate and toss it across the room. It makes an almost satisfyingly loud clatter. Almost.

“(Y/n) I’m not sure we should-“

“Is that a no?”

He looks at you wide-eyed, and you pull your shirt over your head and throw it to keep his chest plate company.

“No.”

The sigh doesn’t make it out of your throat this time. You let it sit solidly in your lungs, as you get up and walk away.

“I meant no, it’s not a no.”

You look over your shoulder with exasperation. “What does that even mean-“

“It means yes.” Instead of pulling you back to him, he leans back on his elbows and gazes at you, admiring. “You’re beautiful.”

You have no sassy comeback, no seductive move, you’re absolutely frozen.

Apparently, so are some Templars. Which is what the maid bursts in screaming about before screaming for a different reason and covering her eyes.

“We’re under attack?!”

“Some ice magic, a vengeful mage maybe?” The maid recovers her senses. “They sent some spells this way, before running off. No one got a good look, but a few Templars have gone after them.”

“I’m on my way.” He grabs his coat and pulls it tight so no one can tell he’s missing armor. “I’ll send some men up to protect you.”

“I may not be an Inquisitor anymore, but I’m still a damn good rogue.”

He winks at you. “For my own peace of mind, really.” And like that, he’s off, with you half naked and filled with longing.

“Not so fun when it’s you, is it?”

“Why Solas, I never knew you could be so petty.” If there was any time to be afraid of the Dread Wolf, it would probably be now. Maybe you’re too tired for fear.

“You may recall you said I was capable of something terrible.” Anyone else would say his voice is deadly calm, like before a storm. But if he’s a hurricane, you’ll always find yourself in the eye. And you can hear the anguish beneath it.

“What would you call ripping the world apart?”

“That’s not what I’m referring to.” Again, his voice is steady with barely an inflection, but you know better.

“Why are you here? To torment some lyrium-mad soldiers? Perhaps put them out of misery.”

“None of them have been irreparably harmed, I assure you.”

“Ah, yes. What’s being attacked once more really, if they’re already broken?”

He puts his hands on your shoulders, not noticing they’re bare for the first time. “I warned you not to test me.”

“You made me wait for years. The least you could do is wait for me to fall asleep.” You want to snap at him, but it comes out a slow drawl.

“I couldn’t.” It’s a humble admission not an impatient demand, and you feel the need growing inside you, the poison of his touch bleeding into your soul.

“Prove it.” You put his hands on your waist, to remind him you’re not wearing anything.

He realizes and digs his fingers in, nails almost piercing through your skin from the force. “Say it again.”

“Prove it.” You hiss.

“No. What you said to me in the fade.”

You want to smirk, but a shy smile comes out instead. “I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“It’s too real.”

He loosens his grip on you. He feels the crescents he made on your waist and strokes them, soothing the sting. “It’s real in the fade, too. Just as real.”

Your eyes drop, the smile falling off your face. “For you, maybe. But if I’m only there when I’m asleep, how can I claim otherwise?”

He puts his finger under your chin so you can look into his eyes. He knows you can read him like a book. He wants you to understand what he doesn’t say, can’t or won’t be damned.

“I suppose it doesn’t matter. I don’t see you in either.”

He looks at you, beseeching. “It’s not that I don’t want-“

“Again, it does not matter.” You’re not saying it bitterly. You need to come to terms with it eventually. Inevitably. “All that matters is we are on different paths. Paths that can’t meet but for violence and loss.”

His voice breaks. “If it could be any other way…”

“Could or couldn’t, can’t or won’t. Semantics. What matters? Isn’t.”

He steps forward so he can hold you close, but stops himself. And it aches, more than between your legs or in your chest, like your very essence is begging him to come back.

Back to your side, back to the simplicity of killing bears to stay alive, back to the innocence of you kissing him first, back to the moment when he grabbed your wrist and held it to the sky and watched in marvel as you brought hope to his darkest hour, brought redemption to his terrible mistake.

“I will ask one thing of you, Fen’Harel.”

He stands as far as he can from you without taking his hand off of you. “If it is within my ability, I will do anything for you. But you know my limits.”

You won’t ask him to give up his life calling. Not this time.

“Let me go, Solas.”

A sigh tumbles out of him, so strong it almost knocks you over. “Vhenan…”

“Do I need to get on my knees and beg?”

His hand slips off and dangles uselessly at his side. “I will not make you beg for something I cannot do.”

You feel it again, the restless rage, the urge to strike him and curse him and make him sorry.

The opposite of love is indifference, not hate.

“Can’t or won’t?”

“Semantics, as you say. What matters?

I am not letting you go.”

You sink onto the bed, mustering everything up for one last try.

“Please?”

And it is he who kneels by your side, imploring. “At least for tonight. Be mine.”

With the last of your energy and a small nod:

You give in.

You fall into a dreamless sleep, not knowing that he stays by your side until Cullen’s footsteps are right outside the door.

**Author's Note:**

> IM NOT SORRY I COULDVE ENDED IT SO MUCH WORSE
> 
> If you’d like a sadder ending I highly recommend you go read OriginalPomegranate’s “get the pastries we’ll clean up later” 
> 
> Quick poll 1: WHO
> 
> Quick poll 2: what was the part that hurt you most?
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading. I’m so lucky to have supportive friends who appreciate my sometimes dark and twisted writing.
> 
> Have a great week lovelies!
> 
> Xoxo Bucky


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